Mindfulness- A New Idea?

 In a mental health class I took with one of my grandchildren several years ago, Mindfulness was described as the practice of being fully present in the moment, paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment.  It was a state of active/inactive attention to the present, without regard to the future or the past.  Mindfulness was the ability to be fully present, aware of where you are, what you are doing, while not being overly reactive or overwhelmed by what is going on around you.  

The reason for learning this as a skill, in this particular class, was the idea Mindfulness helps improve mental well-being, and enhances focus and self-awareness.  The goal of practicing mindfulness as taught, was to reduce depression and anxiety symptoms and increase a feeling of self-control and well-being. 

I am not sure when the term "Mindfulness" came about.  My first reaction in hearing the term was wonder.  Was this a new skill?  A new idea? An idea of coping with life I hadn't learned before?  The answer, for me, was a resounding "No."  It was just a different way of looking at or describing what many people describe as a way to slow down, reduce stress or cope with pressures of everyday life. Enjoying the moment was something I did without consciously thinking about it or analyzing what I was doing or why.  Some days I did it often, other days perhaps only one or twice.  It wasn't something I planned in advance or scheduled into my day.  Enjoying the moment happened when moments might be seen as less than ideal.  It happened when I felt like crying because I felt overwhelmed with 5 children all demanding attention at the same time- a toddler pulling on my leg, siblings fighting, a baby crying and another calling "Mama" and another asking for help to tie a shoe.  In that moment I would stop, take a deep breath.  Perhaps say a quick prayer for patience and express gratitude for being a mother and for each child.  I might focus on the smell of a flower in a vase nearby, the sounds of innocence, the feel of a small hand, the belief of each child that I could solve their particular problem or look at a favored toy on the floor that represented love.  It only took a moment or two, yet I could then face the chaos with a laugh or a sigh, knowing that I could handle it all and I was OK.  

It doesn't matter what you call it - a skill, a tool, a coping mechanism, a trick.  It doesn't matter whether you call it mindfulness, stop & go, time out or enjoying the moment.  What does matter is that you do it as you feel the need.  In a moment experience something relaxing, calming, peaceful.  Savor a taste, enjoy a smell, listen to a sound, see something of worth, feel something of value or bless yourself with a form of self-love like a deep breath and relaxation. Find what works for you in the moment and know that whatever you choose to experience in the moment is exactly perfect for you.  

I love you and wish you well this day. 

Four Levels of Motivation

 

Motivation is the internal state that propels individuals to engage in goal-directed behavior. It is often understood as a force that explains why people or animals initiate, continue, or terminate a certain behavior at a particular time. 

In a training I attended, we were taught that there are 4 distinct levels of motivation which most people experience.  The two basic levels are Internal and External, with each of these levels containing two sub-levels of awareness.  

External levels of motivation are so-called because they are centered in external gratification, getting approval, acceptance or fitting in within a relationship or society.   

• The first of these is Consequence - This is the level a child begins at.  They do things because they are told, or because there is a perceived or real reward or consequence involved.  
• 
  The second of these is Social - One is motivated by what is expected.  A person may do something because they need to, it has be accomplished or done, with or without a reward or consequence.  This involves doing something just because it should be done in order to be accepted by society, someone in a relationship or an authority figure (parent, teacher, friends) 

Internal level of motivation are so-called because they are centered in internal gratification. This level is more personal and fulfilling.  

• The third level is Agent -  On this level people are motivated by a feeling of freedom in choosing.  They are motivated to accomplish or act because they want to do it.  Engaging in a new habit, setting a goal, reading or learning something new are all examples of this level of motivation.  There is a personal satisfaction, irregardless of outside opinion or validation.  
• The fourth level is Charity - On this level a person is motivated by love.  they do things because they love to do it.  They choose to do things which will make a difference, either to themselves or for others.  This level involves thinking and doing for others because it just feels good.  Any reward is internal - an inner feeling of accomplishment or love. 

Four types of Motivation

 

 image from IDEYL.com

 Last evening, as I was browsing the internet, I came across something which really resonated with me.  The original article that caught my attentions was about why one person may be elected over another person.  It talked about opposite types of motivation thinking which the writer felt was dividing the country.   What interested me were the terms extrinsic and intrinsic.   As I read, I had a personal A-Ha moment regarding how I am blocking myself when I sit down to write,  

After reading this particular piece, I thought about what I had felt as the author of the article discussed the two terms.  As a result I decided to look for another article on those terms.   Happily, I was led to another article which stated that intrinsic and extrinsic motivation were only two of four kinds of motivation. (Intrinsic, Extrinsic, Identified and Introjected)  With your permission, I would like to share just a few ideas about these ideas which I learned, or rather stuck with me as interesting.  

Intrinsic Motivation is driven by personal satisfaction.  Intrinsically motivated people feel compelled to pursue goals for its own sake, out of interest or enjoyment. For example, journaling, or pursuing a new hobby.  Singing or dancing, just because you enjoy it might fall into this area.  

Extrinsic Motivation is driven by external rewards or punishments. Extrinsically motivated people often pursue a goal because it will benefit them in some way, such as money or praise.  For example, if you want to lose weight because you think it will make you look good or appear healthier. A desire for praise is common, as is a fear, such as loss of love, work or resources. 

Identified Motivation is driven by outside sources, rewards or punishment.  Identified motivation is sometimes seen when a person desires to be like someone else, particularly someone they may admire, appears to have more, or is perceived as cool or important to others.  Identified motivation can sometimes be driven by fears, such as a fear of failure or not being seen as of worth as themselves. 

Introjected Motivation is driven by one's values and beliefs. This type of motivation occurs when one believes they have skills or abilities which can be used productively.   It involves pursuing a goal because of a desire for personal growth or social contribution.  This type of motivation may prompt one to seek out some additional training, or reach out to a friend or neighbor in service. 

I encourage you to take a few minutes and think about what type of motivation has been at the center of your most recent actions or decisions.  Are your enjoying life, or chasing someone else's dream life?  For myself, I realized, I am my best when I am intrinsically motivated or choosing into introjected motivation.  However, I will continue to admire and listen, with respect to many men and women I know whom are motivated in other ways (Extrinsic, Identified).  There is a place for all of us.   The only right or wrong is what we choose personally. 

Men and Depression

 Men and women suffer depression almost equally.  Men, however, are frequently taught that any need for help shows weakness.  Therefore, they are naturally at greater risk for depression-related illnesses and suicide because they hide what is going on from everyone, often even denying it to themselves.

Most men attempt to hide their depression by trying to cover their feelings. They may do this with drugs, alcohol, sex, or work. Depression often shows up  in men not as seeming helpless or hopeless, but as angry, frustrated, and/or other aggressive feelings. Men are generally less likely to seek treatment than women and they are less likely to admit that they have a problem. 

Depression in men is a silent battle that barely makes a rumble until the battle is over. The drugs and the smiles and the carrying on and acting hide many of the typical signs of depression from others. It's hard to pick up on the signs of depression if you are close to the person, and it's even harder if they are trying to cover the feelings up. 

If you notice that a loved one is showing any of the typical depression signs like oversleeping or not sleeping, tension, or uncontrollable anger (in the case of men) you should address the issues. Let the person know you care about them and that you are ready to listen when they are ready to talk. It's important not to push the issue or expect a solution. Sometimes,  the best thing to do is offer support, then   just let things run their course with men. 

If you are a man who is depressed, there are a few things you can do to help yourself:

• Talk about how you feel- 
• Stay active -  (Find an activity that you enjoy)
• Exercise, , Keep moving
• Give yourself a break, Allow yourself to be human 
• Find a way to relax at the end of a busy day,
• Try to eat properly
• Seek professional help when needed
• 
  

Five (5) Reasons to Not Let Depression Control You

"Depression is a common mental disorder. Globally, it is estimated that 5% of adults suffer from the disorder. It is characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities. It can also disturb sleep and appetite. Tiredness and poor concentration are common. Depression is a leading cause of disability around the world and contributes greatly to the global burden of disease. The effects of depression can be long-lasting or recurrent and can dramatically affect a person’s ability to function and live a rewarding life." (as defined by the World Health Organization (WHO))

As someone who has experience from personally experiencing depression during different periods of life, as well as assisting others through challenges, I have learned to be open to recognizing behaviors and thoughts which often accompany or proceed depression.   I have found many times, if we can identify the beginning of our particular cycles we can better manage the depths of despair.  I have also seen, in most cases, having a reason to stay in control  of emotions greatly increases the ability to more quickly cope and overcome feelings of depression.  Below are 5 reasons that people have identified as helpful.   

1. Family – It can be very vexing to loved one’s when you are depressed. On one hand they want nothing but the best for you, but on the other they sometimes get frustrated and wonder why you can’t simply snap out of it. It can be particularly hard on children of someone with depression as it may affect their outlook on life for many years to come. Having experienced this myself, I can say definitely this the number one reason to fight your depression.
2. Work - Work life generally suffers when in the throes of depression. It is more difficult to concentrate and not as easy to create and maintain good professional working relationships and partnerships. Furthermore, it makes being a “Self-starter” more unlikely. Rather than moving forward, maintaining the status-quo becomes more acceptable, even if only unconsciously. 
3. Love – The love life of a person with depression can suffer tremendously. Regardless of How much someone may profess their dedication to another person, if the other person can never see the bright side, it can wear on them. Life is short, right? Love conquers A WHOLE LOT, but it doesn’t conquer everything. Sometimes we must add internal fortitude to love to truly be invincible. Besides isn’t it better to fight, not just for you, but for this person that you love as well?
4. Health – University studies have proven that people who are depressed are more likely to get sick, and more likely to die of an illness than those who are content. It is in your benefit, health wise, to fight your depression as well. A recent New York Times article, citing a University study, indicated that persons who have been diagnosed as depressed have more hospital visits, and a shorter lifespan.
5. Prosperity – The depressed person sometimes lacks clarity of thought, and may miss golden opportunities to improve their lives if only they had been paying attention. This may be, perhaps, the most important point, since many people believe they would be happier if only this part of their life, or that part of their life, etc was different. Allowing good things to happen in your life might just give you the jump start needed to end the cycle of depression and self imposed-isolation (even if only figuratively).

Fighting depression can actually be a reward in many ways.  You become stronger, both mentally and physically.  As you fight and win, you feel more self-esteem.  This flows over into performing better a work.  As you feel better about yourself, you create better relationships and can focus on what is reallyimportant in life so you can improve it, for yourself, your family, friends and loved ones.  

Imposter Syndrome, Ten Steps to Overcome

 I thought of writing my own thoughts about how to overcome or deal with the feelings of imposter syndrome, but as I was researching ideas, I came across this article.  I don't think I could improve on what she suggests.  The only way to change our feelings is to change our thinking.  Please enjoy the following:  

10 STEPS YOU CAN USE TO OVERCOME IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

In my more than three decades of speaking and leading workshops on Impostor Syndrome, I’ve spoken to an estimated 500,000 people.

Up until just a few years ago, I always ended my talks by giving audiences a list of ten ways to combat impostor syndrome.

Audience evaluations were overwhelmingly positive. The one criticism? “I wish she’d given us more solutions.”

Or during the Q&A someone would come up to the mic and say, “This was great… but do you have any other solutions?”

My response was always, “Of the 10 things I just gave you, what have you tried so far?”

To which they’d invariably reply, “Well, nothing – I just wondered if there’s anything else we can do?”

I spent years thinking, “I just gave them TEN things to do! Is it them? Is it me? What am I missing?”

Then one day it hit me.

What people want is to walk into the room feeling like an impostor and to walk out of the room not feeling like an impostor. 

That’s not how it works. In fact, feelings are the last to change.

So now, before I even get to the solutions, I make sure my audience understands that people who don’t feel like impostors are no more intelligent or capable than the rest of us.

The only difference between them and us is that during that same situation that triggers an impostor feeling in us, they think different thoughts. That’s it, folks.

Which is really good news — because it means all we have to do is learn to think like a non-impostor.

And because impostor feelings are indeed the last to change, today I make sure everyone understands that…

The only way to stop feeling like an impostor is to stop thinking like an impostor.

Today I give my audiences three simple but non-negotiable strategies. And they’re much happier.

(You can hear about them in a super short 6-minute TED talk I gave at TED headquarters in New York.) 

However, over the years people have asked about my original ten steps. So, here you go!

1. 1. Break the silence. Shame keeps a lot of people from “fessing up” about their fraudulent feelings. Knowing there’s a name for these feelings and that you are not alone can be tremendously freeing. 
   2. Separate feelings from fact. There are times you’ll feel stupid. It happens to everyone from time to time. Realize that just because you may feel stupid, doesn’t mean you are.
   3. Recognize when you should feel fraudulent.  A sense of belonging fosters confidence. If you’re the only or one of a few people in a meeting, classroom, field, or workplace who look or sound like you or are much older or younger, then it’s only natural you’d sometimes feel like you don’t totally fit in. Plus if you’re the first woman, people of color, or person with a disability to achieve something in your world, e.g. first VP, astronaut, judge, supervisor, firefighter, honoree, etc. there’s that added pressure to represent your entire group. Instead of taking your self-doubt as a sign of your ineptness, recognize that it might be a normal response to being on the receiving end of social stereotypes about competence and intelligence. 
   4. Accentuate the positive. The good news is being a perfectionist means you care deeply about the quality of your work. The key is to continue to strive for excellence when it matters most, but don’t persevere over routine tasks and forgive yourself when the inevitable mistake happens. 
   5. Develop a healthy response to failure and mistake making. Henry Ford once said, “Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.” Instead of beating yourself up for falling short, do what players on the losing sports team do and glean the learning value from the loss and move on reminding yourself, “I’ll get ’em next time.”
   6. Right the rules. If you’ve been operating under misguided rules like, “I should always know the answer,” or “Never ask for help” start asserting your rights. Recognize that you have just as much right as the next person to be wrong, have an off-day, or ask for assistance. 
   7. Develop a new script. Become consciously aware of the conversation going on in your head when you’re in a situation that triggers your Impostor feelings. This is your internal script. Then instead of thinking, “Wait till they find out I have no idea what I’m doing,” tell yourself “Everyone who starts something new feels off-base in the beginning. I may not know all the answers but I’m smart enough to find them out.” Instead of looking around the room and thinking, “Oh my God everyone here is brilliant…. and I’m not” go with “Wow, everyone here is brilliant – I’m really going to learn a lot!”
   8. Visualize success. Do what professional athletes do. Spend time beforehand picturing yourself making a successful presentation or calmly posing your question in class. It sure beats picturing impending disaster and will help with performance-related stress. 
   9. Reward yourself. Break the cycle of continually seeking °© and then dismissing °© validation outside of yourself by learning to pat yourself on the back.
   10. Fake it ‘til you make it. Now and then we all have to fly by the seat of our pants. Instead of considering “winging it” as proof of your ineptness, learn to do what many high achievers do and view it as a skill. The point of the worn-out phrase, fake it til you make it, still stands: Don’t wait until you feel confident to start putting yourself out there. Courage comes from taking risks. Change your behavior first and allow your confidence to build. 

   You are welcome to reprint this post with the bio below.

About Valerie Young

Impostor Syndrome Institute co-founder Valerie Young, Ed.D. is widely recognized as the leading expert on impostor syndrome, Starting in 1985 Valerie has delivered her highly solution-oriented and surprisingly upbeat message to over half a million people around the world at such diverse organizations as Google, Pfizer, IBM, Boeing, YUM!, Carrier, Microsoft, Intel, Chrysler, PWC (UK), Facebook, BP, TRowe Price, McDonald's (Europe), Liberty Mutual, Dell, NASA, and the National Cancer Institute as well as at over 100 universites in the US, Canada, Japan, Europe, and the UK including Stanford, Harvard, MIT, and Oxford. Her career-related advice has been featured in Time, Newsweek, Science, The Wall Street Journal, BBC radio, and other business and popular media around the world. Her award-winning book The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It (Crown Business) is available in six languages.

Imposter Syndrome - You're Okay

 

A friend of mine posted an intriguing question on Facebook. “Do you ever get imposter syndrome, like you just don’t feel you measure up to what you are meant to do and hope no one finds out? 

I found the following definition from Wikipedia:  Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor
phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve all they have achieved.

My initial feeling was to simply reply, that yes, I had experienced these feelings on many occasions.  As I thought about those occasions and information learned over the years, I felt impressed to share a little more about the different reasons people experience a form of what is described above. 

No matter how you define it, the overall feelings are negative.  Stress grows and can easily lead to feelings of total despair and/or depression.  Some people have expressed that it feels like being a failure.  Others have stated it often feels like being of no worth.  Some have told me the feelings are more like a child who has been caught in a lie.  One person described a feeling of living in a make-believe world he couldn’t escape.  Common feelings that have been shared include self-doubt, fear, apprehension, lack of self-esteem, false beliefs and loss or lack of faith in change.    Many of these feelings are also where the feelings which preceded the feeling of being unreal.

I can’t explain all the reasons people experience these emotions, but I can explain a few that I or others have found contribute. 

One of the first reasons we may look at is the human tendency to compare ourselves to others.  No two people are exactly alike, have the same experiences, same opportunities or the same combination of strengths and weaknesses.  It follows then that no two people will have the same life.  We are often encouraged to look for those that appear successful, on occasion even being influenced to see a particular person as such or someone we should desire to be like.  Who are we looking at?  What are we looking at or for? The natural next step is to start looking at what they have you or I may not – a lifestyle, a large home, a reported net worth, a supposed social following or even acquaintance with others we believe are successful.  Comparison nearly always is based on a false belief that for someone to be a winner, anyone not exactly like them must be less than, a loser. 

A second reason many people experience a feeling of being an imposter is because they live life with expectations.   We see or hear success stories and believe that we too can do just what they have.  Myself, I know belief and hope is good.  The reason many get discouraged is when expectations are not met as we imagined or planned.  It is important to remember every thing and every one is not on, nor should be, on the same time schedules. What occurs quickly for one, may take time for another.  Growth, learning and experience don’t come about by demand, they come with time, patience, effort and sometimes endurance.  Expectation is the opposite of trust and faith.  It is not surprising when we start to expect a certain result, at a certain time, in a certain way that we lose trust that things are progressing and occurring in a perfect way at any given moment.  Expectations, unmet, changed or different that planned breed feelings of failure, or not being or becoming what we expected to be, an imposter or pretender. 

Another important element I see that is important to think about is whether one is living authentically, being the unique individual he/she is or has always been.  Living authentically means being true to our values and true beliefs of right or wrong.  When our values and choices are out of alignment, it is not surprising we may, and probably do, feel as though we are an imposter, someone we aren’t, or perhaps don’t deep within want to become, even though our efforts are currently focused in a certain direction or path.  Perhaps we looked up to someone as a guide, a mentor, someone who we believed had answers and wisdom we felt we needed or someone we thought we wanted to be.  Yet as time progresses, we begin to see some of what we saw was in many aspects an illusion.  As we learn and experience on our own terms, our own ways we begin to question whether we are willing to change our values, personal strengths, and abilities to become like someone else.  A person who is filled with excitement and warmth in learning tools he/she can call upon to enrich and empower those around him, would struggle internally in thinking he must use those same tools and knowledge to persuade, manipulate, control, or take advantage of another person to reach a particular level of perceived success.  If love and making connection with others is an inherent part of their being/personality it makes sense they may feel unreal if they choose to aspire to a level of defined success that requires them to be distant, professional, or uncaring of how their actions or words affect others.   It is important that we love ourselves.  If we lose love for self it follows that we may feel we must force ourselves or pretend to love and serve others. 

The last thing I would take the time to note is that imposter syndrome can be a result of choices that at this moment we question. Perhaps at a previous time we may have felt inspired to make a particular choice, to set a particularly high goal,  Yet life did not go as anticipated.  A challenge came up, a life or relationship changed, and now we feel overwhelmed.  We find ourselves asking “What was I thinking?  How could I have said, Yes?”   We question who we are, what we are doing, how and why.   Perhaps the choice was to make an investment in education or a property, yet on this day we see a shortage on the return.  Things are harder, taking longer or not progressing as we hoped or visualized. It doesn’t mean we give up, but we may struggle with stress over whether we have done enough or long enough. 

So why do I take the time to share these thoughts with you? Because I want you to know and understand that if you are experiencing any of these feelings- you are Okay.  There is nothing wrong with you.    You are just being human. According to Valerie Young, during a TED Talk given June 5,2017,  over 70% (seventy percent) of people experience these feelings.   I want you to know that if you can recognize and embrace your feelings you can move through them.  Whatever you want to call the arrival of these feelings, impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience, it is an opportunity.  Something or someone, a high source, your inner knowing or  your consciousness is telling you it is time to review. 

Stop. Place your hands over your heart. Listen to hear.  Breathe. Rethink and reevaluate.  Pray.  In other words whatever works for you is perfect.  Then step wherever you are inspired and keep stepping along until the next time.